Progression

Sometimes, not often, but sometimes a burning desire for Nibbana comes over me. Such a longing! At the same time a feeling of great bliss.

Yesterday at the beginning of meditation suddenly the same kind of yearning came over me, but not for myself. It was for others who are suffering. Such a burning desire I felt in the right side of my chest.(not heartburn, lol)

 I wanted so desperately at that moment to gain wisdom so I could relieve all suffering.

This is the first time such a strong wish to help others has come over me so spontaneously.

It was pretty cool!  :)

I take it as a sign of my progression along the path.

Habitual reactions

Sometimes I laugh at myself when I observe my habitual reactions to things. It almost seems I have no part in it at all. I automatically feel and act the same way I have felt and acted before to any given situation.

Since becoming a meditator I can see this clearly. Often times I am able to stop the habitual reaction but at other times its not until after I have reacted that I realize I've acted habitually without any thought.

Sometimes I will become angry about something and a moment later I will catch myself and literally start laughing because I realise how silly it all is.

I don't have to be angry...ever. I can just be...just be. And let things be as they are.  

This is easier said than done. But it becomes easier and easier. I look forward to the time when everything I do and say is exactly what I want to do and say and not just reaction without thought.

Realization

When enlightened beings are describing Nibbana it is always the same. They use different words to describe it and different methods to realize it. Whether Buddhist,Christian,Hindu..it's all the same.

 Lately I've been reading the teachings of Sri Ramana Maharshi. It is obvious he is describing the same thing as The Buddha. 

The message is so clear. We only have to realize what already is. What we already are. Let go of the perceived self and return to the source.

I imagine all the different parts of me separating and flying away...and what's left? NOTHING! Because there is nothing there. The mind isn't hanging around somewhere. The mind consists of thoughts. That's all...just thoughts. Like little bubbles popping...pop and the thought is gone.

It's all up to me, only I can free myself of this illusion. 

 

The Wind

                                                The Wind

I am a pipe the wind blows through,
Be still, it is the wind that sings.
The course of my life and the things that I do
And the seeming false and the seeming true
Are the tune of the wind that neither knows
Good and ill, nor joys and woes.
But the ultimate awe is deeper yet
Than song or pipe or storm;
For pipe and tune are the formless wind
That seemed for a while to take form.
And words are good to escape from words
And strife to escape from strife,
But silence drinks in all the waves
Of song and death and life

~Arthur Osborne

Mind games

Several times lately during meditation my hands and feet felt like they fell asleep. Like totally numb.

I move them and realize they aren't asleep at all. 

Is it some kind of trick my mind is playing on me to disturb my concentration or is it just natural during meditation?

Hmmm...?

Mourning the self

I had to return from retreat on the 1st day due to a family emergency, but I've been meditating at home as though I were still there.

During meditation yesterday I was thinking about the self and suddenly tears sprang to my eyes. I realized the tears were for the self. I was mourning. 

I was mourning the person I believed my self to be my whole life. I know that person doesn't exist.

 Ive always taken that voice inside my head to be me. I knew my body wasn't me, but I thought that voice I hear, that is surely me. What I thought of as me doesn't exist. It's an ever changing cyclone with nothing real or permanent in it.

It did feel like a moment of real understanding, real mourning. 

Wonderful news!

My application for meditation retreat at Chanmyay Vihara has been approved! I will have one week there next month.

Thank you so much ~ Ayya Dipa ~for recommending this place to me! I had no idea it even existed.

And even more wonderful news. My arrival at the vihara will coincide with that of the Venerable Chanmyay Sayadaw! I cant believe my luck! How absolutely marvelous that I will have this opportunity. I'm so very grateful! 

Empathy

Recently a family member was scammed and because of it my bank account that held my rent money got cleaned out and it could lead to me being evicted. 

And you know what? I'm okay with that, lol. I really am. I was angry for about five minutes and then I let the anger go.

I realized that something I did in the past (perhaps in another life) caused this to happen now. Simple as that. So who should I be angry at...myself? Lol.

I don't have to be angry or happy about it. I can view the situation as it is and take the appropriate steps to try to rectify things.

Everything happens for a reason right? There is cause and effect. I've been saying how I want to live somewhere more remote and quiet, but I likely would not have taken the steps to make that happen. Maybe the conditions are manifesting that will make this possible. Who knows?

The problem arose for me when I started thinking about the worry and stress this bank issue will cause for others. This caused me to be sad for awhile.

 I have the problem of feeling others pain to much, making it my own. I am now learning how to deal with this in a better way. Just as I am reaping my kamma so are others.  This is how I must think of it in order to get past the sorrow I feel for others suffering. 

 

I know having empathy is a good thing. However, what good is it for me to learn to accept things as they are and not have feelings one way or the other if I'm going to let feelings take over me every time I know someone is hurting? I have to work on this.

I wish I had the ability to express myself more clearly. I have only an eighth grade education and it causes me so much frustration when I can't put into words what I'm really trying to say. 

Recently I asked someone for advice via email and they gave me wonderful advice and I said to them " I would like more practical advice" lol. I did not realize until I went back and looked at that email that I practically insulted them. I often use words out of context and say something I don't mean at all. I'm sorry for this :(

Reality?

I read something yesterday that I've read in the past regarding matter and the reality of things that went something like-

"Yes of course things are real. We are seeing things from a deluded perspective, but they are really there.You can touch them and see them. The world and us exist as solid objects."

Then I read from other sources- ( Nothing is real anywhere ever. It's all just an illusion. It's all happening in our heads like a dream.)

Which is right?

Watching the breath

Earlier while meditating, watching the breath. I started thinking about what makes the self. Normally I interrupt the thoughts and go back to the breath, but I let it go on.

I started thinking about what makes me me. Where is the self? In this part? In that part? Of course I read about this all the time and hear it talked about in dhamma talks, but this time thinking about it while meditating I saw it in a completely different way, from a whole different perspective. 

Now that I'm not there in that moment it's hard to explain. It's kinda like I was seeing things very clearly. And then of course I ruined it because I got excited, lol. 

I was like "Hey...is this what meditation is all about? Being able to think clearly like this? Am I finally getting somewhere? Lol.

I'm not sure really. Should I just stay with the breath? Or should I follow these thoughts?

Letting things be as they are

In the last couple of weeks I've done a lot of contemplation. I've realized things are going to be how they are going to be and I will accept whatever happens.

My path now is a spiritual one and nothing can change that. If it isn't in the cards for me to become a Bhikkhuni then so be it, if it does happen then wonderful.

I had started to think living in a Monastery was the only way for me. The only way I could reach my goal. I now see no matter what happens, no matter where I live I will stay on the path to Nibbana.

I still have the wish for seclusion and freedom from all these distractions and fetters, but I now feel more at ease and not so impatient for things to be the way I want them to be.

If my karma is sufficient and the necessary conditions arise then it will happen when the time is right.

Retreat

 I've sent off my application for meditation retreat to Chanmyay Vihara in Springfield. I'm so excited to have that time to focus completely on meditation, if my application is approved that is.

I just hope my husbands 15 yo car will make the 4 hr drive.
But I will walk if I have to.  :)

Separate, but not separate.

It's raining outside and the window is covered in raindrops.

The raindrops are separate from each other. They aren't touching. But they aren't separate, are they? They just don't happen to be touching at this moment.

If I put all these raindrops together in a bucket I wouldn't see any separate raindrops because they are not separate, they are one.

Are we the same as the rain drops?

Squirrels

I'm looking out the window, watching the squirrels as they live their lives, going on about their business, not knowing that I'm watching them. Their whole world is there in front of them. All they know is what they can taste, smell etc.

The squirrels don't realize there is a whole universe they know nothing about. There is so much going on around them and they're completely unaware if it. They are only one tiny part of a whole.

All around them on every side there are things going on and they have no idea.

I'm the same as the squirrels. My world is all I know. There is so much going on around me and I can't see it or feel it or even understand it but its there.

Just like the squirrel doesn't have the capacity to understand even if it were explained to him. I think the truth of reality is beyond my meager brain to understand.

I believe the teachings of the Buddha to be true. But knowing the truth and experiencing the truth are two different things.

I have absolute faith that at some point I WILL understand. I will see the natural way of things. Probably not in this lifetime, but that's okay. As long as I do only good and no harm then that's okay.

I am going to keep training my mind until it IS capable of seeing things as they really are.

Teachers

The other day in a post I said " I have no teacher".
I shouldn't have said that. I have many teachers. They don't know that I exist, nonetheless I am eternally grateful for all that they do and have done.

Every time I find a new website with even more sutta readings, translations and discourses I feel so much gratitude for those who put forth the effort so that we can all learn the Dhamma.

Doing the dishes, and not being mindful.

Just now as I was doing dishes and washing my favorite tea cup, my mind began to wander. I started imagining that it was a day maybe 40 yrs in the future and I was an old lady looking back on the past at this moment and remembering how it was when I lived here at this time and had tea from my favorite tea cup.

Then thinking these things brought on feelings of melancolie and sadness and home sickness. And being the good mindful Buddhist that I am (lol) I became mindful that my mind had wandered and I began to analyze what had happened.

I was imagining, fantasizing about things that are not even real or happening and these thoughts that were not even about real events caused me to feel sad etc.

So there was nothing outside my body, external to me that caused me to have these feelings. I caused my own self to be sad about something that isn't even real.

Then these feelings are not even real and they are not based on anything real. If these feelings aren't real then no feelings are real. They are just things that we made up with our thoughts.

Anyway that's just what I was thinking while I was doing the dishes,when I was supposed to be being mindful that I was doing the dishes.

Meditation

I know I'm not spending nearly as much time in meditation as I should. The excuse I give to myself is "I would meditate more if I had solitude and quiet." I live in a four room apartment and It's never quiet. If the weather would warm up I could go to the woods or park to meditate. The nearest temple is an hours drive and if not for financial reasons I would be there everyday to meditate (or when they'd let me, lol).

I'm spending about 10 hours daily in Buddhist studies and maybe 2 hrs in meditation at the most. I feel it should be more like 6 hrs on each. But what do I know? I have no teacher. The monk at Blue Lotus Temple graciously answers my questions via email. But I don't like to bother him as I haven't even met him yet.
I wish that I could go on retreat and focus completely on my meditation with no distractions, but it's not possible financially.  I use to think, I wish I had money for a big house, nice car, jewelry, clothes etc. Now I want none of that. If I had money I would give it all away except for the minimum I need to get by, which isn't much since I eat only one meal a day (before noon) and I care not for material things.

I become frustrated with myself during meditation because my mind wanders so easily. I know it's expected in a beginner, but nonetheless I lose patience with myself. I do see improvements and that is encouraging. I know that I will continue to improve. I will never give up. :)

Living in the Present

I use to spend so much time fretting about the past. Thinking of bad things that have happened to me and feeling sad because of it. I also spent so much time fretting about the future. Worrying about what bad thing will happen next and being anxious because of it. Never living in the present.

Now I can clearly see the error in this. What a big waste of time!
The past is gone, done, never to be again. Thinking about it will change nothing.
The future is not yet here. There is no point in worrying about what is to come.

  Of course we need to plan for the future, but once we've made the plan we can let it go. We don't have to keep coming back to it, picking at it.

Living life in the present moment. It sounds like such a simple thing to do and we all think we're doing it, but we're not. We go through life on autopilot so much of the time. I try to always be mindful and pay attention to what I'm doing and I've got to admit I'm terrible at it! I could spend 15 minutes thinking about something that happened 20 years ago before I even notice my mind has wandered away.
But I won't give up because I know what the reward of my diligence will be.

A Secret

What if I told you I know of a place full of suffering. A place where everyone you know and love will suffer and die. Not once, but over and over again. And not only them but you as well. You will suffer and die over and over again.

In this place there are brief moments of happiness, but they won't last. Nothing lasts in this place. Everything rots and dies, nothing is permanent.

And what if I told you dear friends that a man came into this land. A man who knows how to escape to a realm where there is no suffering, no death, no decay, only happiness. And the man is willing to share his secret. He is willing to show us the path to freedom. All we have to do is follow this path and we will never ever suffer again.

I will tell you a secret my dear friends. I know of this path and I will share it with you. Come close and listen. The path is called thus,The Noble Eightfold Path.

Well who wouldn't want to follow this path? Who in there right mind would want to stay in a place where we and everyone we love will suffer and die over and over and over again?

I will share another secret with you.
You are in that place right now. The problem is this. We are all sleeping and we can't see things as they really are. Well I for one intend to escape.

The Wilderness

Aranna Sutta ~ The Wilderness ~ Samyutta Nikaya 1.10, translated by John D Ireland

Thus have I heard. At one time the Lord was staying near Savatthi, at the Jeta Grove in Anathapindika's monastery. Now when night was passing a certain devataa, lighting up the whole Jeta Grove with her surpassing beauty, approached the Lord. Having drawn near and prostrated herself she stood to one side.

Standing there the devataa said:

Those living in the forest,
Peaceful and calm, of pure life,
Eating but one meal a day:
How is it they appear so radiant?

The Lord replied:

They sorrow not for what is past,
They have no longing for the future,
The present is sufficient for them:
Hence it is they appear so radiant.

By having longing for the future,
By sorrowing over what is past,
By this fools are withered up
As a cut down tender reed.

A dream

Last night I had a dream and from that dream I only recall one thing.
Everything was suddenly clear to me. I understand everything as it is.

I wish I could remember the rest. :)

Womanhood

What does ‘womanhood’ matter at all,
When the mind is concentrated well
When knowledge flows on steadily
As one sees correctly into Dhamma?

One to whom it might occur,
‘I’m a woman’, or ‘I’m a man’,
Or ‘I’m anything at all’ -
Is fit for Māra to address!

The challenges

I know becoming a Bhikkhuni won't be as easy as I would like and I can't be selfish and think only of my self.

I can't bear to cause anyone to suffer. But nor can I go on sleeping, pretending to be the person I was.
I have a bond with my husband that I've had with no one else. I have made a commitment to him and I love him dearly. But, as he said, I'm no longer the women he married.

I will wait until he is ready to leave me which I have no doubt he will, as my purpose in life now differs greatly from his. Then our union can end without suffering.

My son has a good father who takes wonderful care of him so I do not have to worry for him.

I have contacted a nun from my local temple and she was gracious enough to answer some questions for me. It is hard for Bhikkhunis to make their way. They can't work and earn money to support themselves. They must rely on the kindness and generosity of others.

I might not find a monastery that will have me. I can understand this as they have many things they have to take into consideration.

All I want are robes, an alms bowl, one meal a day, a shelter and a teacher. Nothing more...this is all I want.

I see myself changing

It's incredible the changes I'm seeing in myself over the last weeks. The clothes I wore, my makeup, hair and how others perceived me was always so important. Not now. I've quit wearing makeup, jewelry, etc. I have no need for it.

I have quit drinking. I've become a vegetarian. I have been able to deal with things very calmy and peacefully, when in the past I would have acted with anxiety and worry. There are many examples. Some changes were made on purpose, others happened naturally. As the Buddha said , don't take my word for it that what I say is the truth, use the teachings and practices I have shown you and you will see the proof for yourself.

I surely am seeing that studying the sutras and meditating and being mindful has been amazingly beneficial. And these changes have happened in only two months. I'm so excited to be the person I am becoming. Or maybe it's more of an unbecoming.

A little bit of my history

I'm going to start with a little background on myself. I was born in 1969 to a poor Catholic family.Both parents disabled. I grew up in the projects on the south side of Chicago. We were very poor but not starving. As a teenager I had no interest in anything but having fun and partying. I assumed I'd get pregnant and get on welfare like everyone else I knew...which is exactly what happened. It never occured to me that I could get an education and have a career. I really believed that only rich people went to college. I was never told nor did I think college was an option for me. That sounds crazy but coming from where I did I just didn't believe I could have more.

I spent most of my life raising my children, working occasionally. Going from one abusive relationship to the next. Never happy, never in my life have I been happy for any length of time. After my divorce I went through a very severe depression which lasted years. I tried to find comfort in my religion but I never really felt how I assumed I should about Catholicism.

I'm currently married to a man I love very much, my best friend. We don't have much, but I don't need much. I have one grown daughter, one daughter in college and a 13 yo son. I have been happy with my husband, but I'm no longer the woman he married.

That brings me to January of 2013 when I finally found the path to peace and happiness. I found the Dhamma that changed my life forever.

Please forgive any errors in spelling, grammar etc.

What else? The beginning.

I'm starting this blog to chronicle my journy from wife & mother to the Bhikkhuni I hope to become.
My aim is to help others in some way. I have only just found Buddhism myself two months ago. Within days I knew I had found the purpose of my life. While reading everything I could find about Buddhism I realized many of the concepts & practices are very familar to me. It felt like I was remembering something I had already known. I've never in my life had any interest in Buddhism. How it suddenly came to my attention I don't know.

I recognize that this journey won't be an easy one. I must let go of things I have clung to all my life. Even as I typed that last sentence I realized other than the people I love, and my doggie Bella, there is not one thing I can think of that I would have a problem leaving behind. When one realizes the things we cling to aren't permanent and will change as everything does, it is much easier to become unattached.
I am beginning to see things as they really are. I see that life is suffering and we suffer due to clinging and craving but there is a way to free oneself from suffering and that way is The Noble Eighfold path.
For the first time ever, without doubt I know exactly what I want to do. I want to renounce the life of a layperson and become a monastic. I want to devote all my time to the study of Dhamma and meditation. I want to live the life of a Bhikkhuni in the forest tradition. My goal is Nibbana!