Wonderful news!

My application for meditation retreat at Chanmyay Vihara has been approved! I will have one week there next month.

Thank you so much ~ Ayya Dipa ~for recommending this place to me! I had no idea it even existed.

And even more wonderful news. My arrival at the vihara will coincide with that of the Venerable Chanmyay Sayadaw! I cant believe my luck! How absolutely marvelous that I will have this opportunity. I'm so very grateful! 

Empathy

Recently a family member was scammed and because of it my bank account that held my rent money got cleaned out and it could lead to me being evicted. 

And you know what? I'm okay with that, lol. I really am. I was angry for about five minutes and then I let the anger go.

I realized that something I did in the past (perhaps in another life) caused this to happen now. Simple as that. So who should I be angry at...myself? Lol.

I don't have to be angry or happy about it. I can view the situation as it is and take the appropriate steps to try to rectify things.

Everything happens for a reason right? There is cause and effect. I've been saying how I want to live somewhere more remote and quiet, but I likely would not have taken the steps to make that happen. Maybe the conditions are manifesting that will make this possible. Who knows?

The problem arose for me when I started thinking about the worry and stress this bank issue will cause for others. This caused me to be sad for awhile.

 I have the problem of feeling others pain to much, making it my own. I am now learning how to deal with this in a better way. Just as I am reaping my kamma so are others.  This is how I must think of it in order to get past the sorrow I feel for others suffering. 

 

I know having empathy is a good thing. However, what good is it for me to learn to accept things as they are and not have feelings one way or the other if I'm going to let feelings take over me every time I know someone is hurting? I have to work on this.

I wish I had the ability to express myself more clearly. I have only an eighth grade education and it causes me so much frustration when I can't put into words what I'm really trying to say. 

Recently I asked someone for advice via email and they gave me wonderful advice and I said to them " I would like more practical advice" lol. I did not realize until I went back and looked at that email that I practically insulted them. I often use words out of context and say something I don't mean at all. I'm sorry for this :(

Reality?

I read something yesterday that I've read in the past regarding matter and the reality of things that went something like-

"Yes of course things are real. We are seeing things from a deluded perspective, but they are really there.You can touch them and see them. The world and us exist as solid objects."

Then I read from other sources- ( Nothing is real anywhere ever. It's all just an illusion. It's all happening in our heads like a dream.)

Which is right?

Watching the breath

Earlier while meditating, watching the breath. I started thinking about what makes the self. Normally I interrupt the thoughts and go back to the breath, but I let it go on.

I started thinking about what makes me me. Where is the self? In this part? In that part? Of course I read about this all the time and hear it talked about in dhamma talks, but this time thinking about it while meditating I saw it in a completely different way, from a whole different perspective. 

Now that I'm not there in that moment it's hard to explain. It's kinda like I was seeing things very clearly. And then of course I ruined it because I got excited, lol. 

I was like "Hey...is this what meditation is all about? Being able to think clearly like this? Am I finally getting somewhere? Lol.

I'm not sure really. Should I just stay with the breath? Or should I follow these thoughts?

Letting things be as they are

In the last couple of weeks I've done a lot of contemplation. I've realized things are going to be how they are going to be and I will accept whatever happens.

My path now is a spiritual one and nothing can change that. If it isn't in the cards for me to become a Bhikkhuni then so be it, if it does happen then wonderful.

I had started to think living in a Monastery was the only way for me. The only way I could reach my goal. I now see no matter what happens, no matter where I live I will stay on the path to Nibbana.

I still have the wish for seclusion and freedom from all these distractions and fetters, but I now feel more at ease and not so impatient for things to be the way I want them to be.

If my karma is sufficient and the necessary conditions arise then it will happen when the time is right.