Progression

Sometimes, not often, but sometimes a burning desire for Nibbana comes over me. Such a longing! At the same time a feeling of great bliss.

Yesterday at the beginning of meditation suddenly the same kind of yearning came over me, but not for myself. It was for others who are suffering. Such a burning desire I felt in the right side of my chest.(not heartburn, lol)

 I wanted so desperately at that moment to gain wisdom so I could relieve all suffering.

This is the first time such a strong wish to help others has come over me so spontaneously.

It was pretty cool!  :)

I take it as a sign of my progression along the path.

Habitual reactions

Sometimes I laugh at myself when I observe my habitual reactions to things. It almost seems I have no part in it at all. I automatically feel and act the same way I have felt and acted before to any given situation.

Since becoming a meditator I can see this clearly. Often times I am able to stop the habitual reaction but at other times its not until after I have reacted that I realize I've acted habitually without any thought.

Sometimes I will become angry about something and a moment later I will catch myself and literally start laughing because I realise how silly it all is.

I don't have to be angry...ever. I can just be...just be. And let things be as they are.  

This is easier said than done. But it becomes easier and easier. I look forward to the time when everything I do and say is exactly what I want to do and say and not just reaction without thought.

Realization

When enlightened beings are describing Nibbana it is always the same. They use different words to describe it and different methods to realize it. Whether Buddhist,Christian,Hindu..it's all the same.

 Lately I've been reading the teachings of Sri Ramana Maharshi. It is obvious he is describing the same thing as The Buddha. 

The message is so clear. We only have to realize what already is. What we already are. Let go of the perceived self and return to the source.

I imagine all the different parts of me separating and flying away...and what's left? NOTHING! Because there is nothing there. The mind isn't hanging around somewhere. The mind consists of thoughts. That's all...just thoughts. Like little bubbles popping...pop and the thought is gone.

It's all up to me, only I can free myself of this illusion. 

 

The Wind

                                                The Wind

I am a pipe the wind blows through,
Be still, it is the wind that sings.
The course of my life and the things that I do
And the seeming false and the seeming true
Are the tune of the wind that neither knows
Good and ill, nor joys and woes.
But the ultimate awe is deeper yet
Than song or pipe or storm;
For pipe and tune are the formless wind
That seemed for a while to take form.
And words are good to escape from words
And strife to escape from strife,
But silence drinks in all the waves
Of song and death and life

~Arthur Osborne

Mind games

Several times lately during meditation my hands and feet felt like they fell asleep. Like totally numb.

I move them and realize they aren't asleep at all. 

Is it some kind of trick my mind is playing on me to disturb my concentration or is it just natural during meditation?

Hmmm...?

Mourning the self

I had to return from retreat on the 1st day due to a family emergency, but I've been meditating at home as though I were still there.

During meditation yesterday I was thinking about the self and suddenly tears sprang to my eyes. I realized the tears were for the self. I was mourning. 

I was mourning the person I believed my self to be my whole life. I know that person doesn't exist.

 Ive always taken that voice inside my head to be me. I knew my body wasn't me, but I thought that voice I hear, that is surely me. What I thought of as me doesn't exist. It's an ever changing cyclone with nothing real or permanent in it.

It did feel like a moment of real understanding, real mourning. 

Wonderful news!

My application for meditation retreat at Chanmyay Vihara has been approved! I will have one week there next month.

Thank you so much ~ Ayya Dipa ~for recommending this place to me! I had no idea it even existed.

And even more wonderful news. My arrival at the vihara will coincide with that of the Venerable Chanmyay Sayadaw! I cant believe my luck! How absolutely marvelous that I will have this opportunity. I'm so very grateful!